Mike and I met in high school and got married a couple of years later. We always had a passion for travel and to experience new things. What I admire most about my husband is his dedication. Mike is passionate about his faith, his family, his music, his fans and spreading as much joy around as he can. We began a journey many years ago with YouTube and we will forever be grateful that we get to wake up and be creative and work from anywhere in the world. This journey may look glamorous when you get glimpses through photos and videos we post, but I can assure you that is not always the case. This journey has been filled with extreme highs and extreme lows, again we are very grateful for the wonderful experiences.
We have had amazing travel opportunities all over the world. In the fall of 2014 we were ecstatic to join our friend on her European tour. It was the best time of our life and I am so happy to carry those memories with our friends and with my husband forever. While on tour we started seriously discussing the possibility of adding another member to our family. A few weeks after being home all the signs that I was growing a human were there. The shock, excitement and freak out happened in our living room one Sunday night in November (you can check out our vlog channel for all the videos). The months of watching my belly grow were fun and filled with tough decisions as well. We packed up and moved from California to Tennessee, we bought a house, Mike made what feels like 100 music videos in a really short amount of time, we lost some really amazing friends that have left marks on our hearts, I had intense conversations with my dad that lead to having to create strong boundaries in our relationship, and my whole body constantly ached. The day came when I was 38 weeks pregnant and I felt my water break. We rushed to the hospital to be told that it wasn't my water and I probably just peed. Two days went by where I knew that I was not peeing and I started to get really worried. I met with my doctor and stressed that she take a test to guarantee me that it was not my water leaking and that our boy was safe and healthy. Two hours later I received the craziest phone call of our lives. A receptionist from my doctors office called to confirm it was my water and that I needed to hurry back to the hospital to be induced to begin labor since it wasn't happening on its own. I walked around that hospital room with Mike trying to keep me laughing and not thinking about the serious pain I was in, like I mean pain I will never forget and can't explain it's kind of just the worst torture. 13 hours passed and I was only dilated 2 freaking centimeters (I needed to hit 10!). Our boy had to come out so I decided to get an epidural to let me finally rest and two hours later he was really ready to come out. 20 minutes of coaching from my amazing doctor and husband our boy made his entrance and the world will forever be changed by Dash Michael Tompkins. His name means charming man, and one who is fast and that is definitely already so true.
We remained in the hospital for 5 days because his tiny little liver wasn't working just right yet, but the nurse finally came in and said take your son home and joy and fear overwhelmed us. That car ride home from the hospital is the longest and scariest ride of our life, he was just so tiny in that car seat. We were home and it was blissful and then the black clouds started forming over me. It took a little while but I finally identified that I was struggling with Post Partum Depression.
I was thankful to be able to get pregnant as I know this can be an extremely difficult road, my difficult road came as soon as I realized I was struggling with PPD. I would look at Dash and smile and love on him, but negative thoughts would constantly be flooding my mind. There is a terrible stigma with PPD that it filled with thoughts about death or that you could just take a pill and make it all go away, but in most cases like mine that is not it all. My journey was more filled with sadness one where my emotions were heightened in every situation. This made my relationships difficult, making meals or doing chores difficult, creating videos for our friends and fans difficult, my marriage difficult and looking at myself in the mirror difficult. It is a hard road to put into words and to translate into words especially to someone who has never felt it. I almost lost all things important to me including myself as I kept thinking I was a failure.
My doctor, my faith, my close family and friends and the unconditional love of my husband giving me tools with medication, prayers and words of affirmation are the things that I had to cling to. I will be writing more and speaking out more through photos and videos about PPD because moms are amazing and that first year is like no other.
I am so excited to celebrate my smiley boy this week and love on him forever, so much so that no women will ever be good enough for him ha! I have amazing memories that are etched so deeply on my heart from this past year, but I also have memories I want to bury. I am looking forward to a new beginning as we now have a 1 year old walking (almost) alongside us.
We are so excited to celebrate Dash Michael Tompkins, our happy boy, and we are ready for this next "new" year.
ps. moms, whatever you are struggling with - fertility, PPD, having an angel baby seek help, find a community that understands and know you are not alone on the road you are on. Moms are AMAZING! Let me know if there is anything I can do or leave a comment below. Sending hugs and prayers.
Dash Michael Tompkins - 07.29.15 - 6lbs 9oz - 18.5 inches
Our Charming Boy